The Catalina Trip aka The Flying Fish Story

Author's short foreword: "I wrote this many, many years ago (maybe even a decade ago) and you can tell when reading that I was still developing myself as a writer. Be that as it may, it's still one of the funniest things I've ever had the priviledge of witnessing and as such gets a place here at dudebro. One other quick thing to note is that as I read this I immediately came to the conclusion that I wasn't old enough to legally drink yet, hence the reason I found it difficult to find alcohol so readily available on the island. But if you know Dom, that's not going to stop him. Either way, as with all my stories, I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed living it."

I like vacations away from California whenever I can get them. These include a multitude of places I'm willing to go just to get away from the grind for a bit. One of these places decided upon one year was Catalina Island. A friend of a friend (I think he happens to be queerbait, and that will be his name for the duration of this story) was a lifeguard up there for the summer. I figured, cool, we gotta place to stay and plenty of stuff to do, so I thought. We got on the boat heading for Catalina the next day and were off. It was one of those insanely quick hydroplane boats that went Mach1 through the water. We made it there quick. The most enjoyable part of this trip was watching the fat people out on deck vomiting over the side. If you ever take a boat trip out to Catalina, you'll ALWAYS see this at some point. In some cases I've seen people actually turn a light complexion of green, now add an overweight male wearing a sweat suit and one of those 1985 belly bags to this equation and you'll see comedy on a grand scale.The DomMega on the other hand, has an incredible pair of sealegs and I was alternately unaffected.

We docked at Avalon and proceed to take a shore boat over to where Queerbait was. Now an important author's note worth mentioning here is that I thought this was like a teenage co-ed summer camp. I was sadly, sadly mistaken. It was a youth boy scout camp, and a shitty one at that. I never thought boy scouts were cool. I've mocked them when I was young for dressing like pretty boy retards and not much changed at the point we're at now in the story. The shore boat docks at the boyscout pier and we get off. Queerbait waves to us as he's playing soccer with a bunch of little shit scouts in shorts with their socks all the way up to their knees. ITS SUMMERTIME, WTF! I just walk past Queerbait and his band of lawn fairies and locate a shanty to put my bag in. (The lodging here was set up to where everyone slept in a little shack with a cot in it. Yes, I said a little shack. A makeshift shelter of wood boards and nails that you can actually see right through from all sides.) I put my stuff down and locked the door when leaving. I decided I had to go talk to Queerbait because I didn't feel like hanging out with Face AND his girlfriend. I didn't care much for his girlfriend back then, however seeing this story is about 8 or 9 years old, now she has become tolerable.

The first words out of my mouth to Queerbait was, "So where can I get some alcohol in this place."

Queerbait: "Dude, this is a boy scouts camp, there's no alcohol here."

Dom: "WTF! You drag me out here to some island and there's no fucking alcohol to drink!"

Queerbait: *whispers* "Hey bro, the Alumni eagle scouts have HALF a bottle of Captain Morgan that we're going to bring down to the campfire later after the kids go to bed."

Dom: "You're fucking kidding me. Why is that I've allowed myself to be in such a predicament as this? I've had more fun hanging out with my catatonic uncle than with you and everyone else in the immediate vicinity. And what's sad is that you all probably think you're super cool for drinking a HALF a bottle of Captain Morgan between the 13 of you. Thats fucking gay!"

Just then the apparent eagle scout in question comes over with the bottle surprisingly, and I take it from his hands and begin drinking. I did this because I needed to become inebriated to even deal with the given situation. The second reason I did this was to fuck up these woodsman's night by the fire so that they can not attempt to pretend like they're men because the only real man there already drank their entire bottle of alcohol. Fuck them.

Sensing my disgust and angst one of the eagle scout posers decides to take us to the isthmus for the night, possibly to get on my good side, I still don't know. Its a place where they have a reggae band, dancing, and at least some kind of nightlife. I was ecstatic, I couldn't wait to get out of that shit hole I was stuck on. On our way over, the main Eagle in charge thought it would be funny to sit Face on the seat cushion of the boat that shoots water between the cracks. It wasn't realized until he got up to depart the boat what had happened. Mr. Eagle (who I'm sure is still a virgin at age 24) began to bust up laughing. Face didn't find this funny and before he got off the boat he thought it necessary to slap little virgin boy across his fat face to show him that normal people will actually beat you for doing such things. After seeing this I couldn't hold in the laughter, not that I hold it in anyway to spare people's feelings. Evidently after Face slapped this kid in the grill, he slipped in the boat and fell flat on his back with the most amazing awestruck look on his face I've seen in a long time. Now we found a laundromat surprisingly at the isthmus and that was our first stop. Face threw his shorts into the dryer and proceeded to sit there in the laundry room in nothing but his boxers. Again I began laughing, the shit was just funny. I mentioned earlier that his girlfriend came with him, so now she can serve a purpose and wait with him. I was on my way to go get smashed somehow, so I say goodbye. I venture over to the dance area and try to find some girls with liquor. BINGO! A girl in a pink skirt was sitting far off in the corner and I saw them with a bottle of something. I locked on to the table and began my approach.

Dom: "Yeah, I can see that you ladies appear to be refilling your drinks with something in your friend's purse there. You need to realize this is against Island policy and you have been caught red-handed."

Girls: *Fear*

Dom: "HAHA! I'm kidding! But you will have to share some of that with me because there's little to no alcohol on this godforsaken side of the island so I'm going to need assistance."

Turns out these chicks were cool and had I actually been a nice guy I would've remembered their names and tried to get to know them better. But I'm not so I didn't, nor where any of them highly attractive. But I did drink half that bottle of Parrot Bay straight, but that wasn't enough to get me on the midnight train to debauchery. It's sad when the only alcohol you can get your hands on is 40 proof Rum, but whatever we were in dire straits. I had to forget I was staying in a camp with a bunch of little dipshits and even bigger queers as counselors. One of whom recently getting slapped by one of the elite members of my asshole syndicate. I began laughing again thinking of the earlier display of comedy on the starboard side of the ship.

I'm going to fast forward to when we began our departure of the happening, totally kick ass isthmus that was filled with the leftover, unwanted, carnival sideshow acts of Catalina Island. As a matter of fact I think I saw the sea hag from Popeye there perusing the contents of the trash bins. I didn't even try to hook-up with anybody, thats how bad it was. But I was soon about to witness the most outlandishly hysterical thing I've ever seen in my life.

We get on the boat and its mostly a bunch of high school graduates out there for the summer to have fun and relax before college. Why they chose this side of the island is beyond me, but whatever. They turn all the lights off in the boat so bugs and other things won't be attracted to the lights bothering the passengers late at night. I did notice a little Asian girl through the darkness, directly in back of the boat facing forward. This girl hardly spoke any English at all, but was able to repeat it very well. It was only a matter of minutes before she began to get fucked with.

Guy1: "Tell me you want my dick!"

Girl: "I wanta yo dick." *Laughter Erupts*

Guy2: "Say 'I'm your daddy."

Girl: "You my dad-ee!" *Again laughter erupts*

I didn't partake in this type of amusement, it was too easy and represented absolutely no challenge whatsoever. It would be like running a race with a quadriplegic, absolutely pointless. But I had no problem listening. We laughed and such, but it was pretty lame comedy to be sure. Then it happened....... out of nowhere I felt a burst of wind hit me in the face and didn't even have time to react before I heard a..........."DAH! GAWD!!" in the back of the boat. The "DAH!" had an Asian accent.

Here's what happened and its one of those things I'll only be able to Picture this fish 3 times larger and about a half inch widerexperience once in my life. A flying fish had flown into the boat. It was going so fast that we didn't even see it, we just felt the wind as it flew past our faces. Here's the kicker, out of everyone in the boat, it hit the poor little Asian girl in the back of the boat that everyone was making fun of and who couldn't speak English. What are the odds. Some guy picked the fish up and spread its wings to show the boat how big this fucker was. And it was HUGE! Even I was surprised. After the insane bouts of laughter that never really ended, I realized the girl wasn't saying much. I got up and looked into the back of the boat where she was sitting. SHE WAS COMPLETELY KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT! Yup, no shit, this poor broad was on the floor while her friend was standing over her, rattling off some foreign gibberish, trying to wake her up. I've never seen anything so hysterically funny in all my life........ever. Turns out the girl was alright but the fish's head was so hard, almost like steel, that when it struck her in the forehead going that fast in nautical speed, it knocked her completely unconscious. Don't believe me? If you ever have the opportunity to touch the head of one of these fish, do so and get back to me. Face is still my witness to this day. I can't make this shit up if I tried.

The entire weekend was primarily composed of idiocy and dorks surrounding me and at first I was pissed off I even spent money for the boat ride over. But sometimes in life, God just hands you one, and I ended up seeing the most hilarious thing of my entire life that very same weekend. Sure, the other 99% of it was completely lame and stupid, but I did get to do some kayaking and cliff diving, and last but certainly not least I got to see a fish hit a foreign exchange student in the face. All in all it was a pretty decent way to spend a few days outside of L.A. I'm sure the vast majority of those children who are now young adults are still nerdy dipshits and I'm sure the counselors have married women who have since removed whatever few balls they had between their legs, but that is not my problem. They have all served an integral part of my life, albeit merely as entertainment and getting their own spot in the dude bro blog, which I can assure you is a good a place as any for fame of this magnitude.

You Catalina folk are all still my bitches,

The DomMega