Dom gets dumped in 20 minutes; retard to blame...

I was talking to one of my best friends today and I told her about a date that I had a few years back. She started laughing uncontrollably for about 10 minutes. I figured if the story had that much comedic allure, Id retell it here. This should be relatively short as the date only lasted 20 minutes.

I remember a few years back I was at a bookstore perusing some books about finance. I didnt see anything I really liked so I went over to Real Estate to see if something there caught my eye. Well, there was definitely something there  that did but it wasnt in the form of literature. There was a very attractive young lady sitting there at one of the coffee kiosks doing her homework. I walked by her and saw that she was taking a sociology class just as I did many years ago. Conversation ensued:

Dom: Sociology huh? Are you finding society to be as demented and ridiculous as I did when I took that class?

Hot Chick: Haha, its funny you mention it because this class is slowly just becoming a source of comedy to me the more I go.

Dom: I dont blame you, it was a joke when I took it. Are you here just doing your homework or what?

Hot Chick: Yeah, the school library is always crowded with weirdoes.

Dom: Yeah, I dont think I ever kicked it there myself. Well, if youre going to have some free time later this week we should go out and have some dinner. School will stress you out if you dont make time for fun in between. Im thinking Chinese food. Eating food with two sticks has always intrigued me.

Hot Chick: Sounds great actually, heres my number. Give me a call and well set something up.

Now that of course was the readers digest version of what transpired. In reality it wouldve taken a little more work than that to retrieve a number. As far as what was actually said and how long it took, I dont know. Give me a break it was like 3 or 4 years ago, bite me. I just remember the conversation going somewhat along those lines. I wasnt as aggressive because I figured she was a "nice" girl in certain aspects so I took a different verbal route. So with that I was gone. It was a typical greeting, make someone smile, get the number  and go about your day. I didn't care, she was really, really hot and worth the approach. What I was unaware of however was that this girl was a born-again Christian. I can handle religious girls to an extent; theyre not all that bad. But if youve never gone out with a born-again than its imperative for you to realize that theyre like Jesus Nazis and only think clean jokes are funny and many are quite sheltered. Boy, was she in for a rude awakening.

Fast-forward a week and Im on my way to go meet her at a Chinese restaurant I really like. I saw her in the parking lot waiting for me so I parked my car and met up with her. As we were walking down the sidewalk towards the restaurant, that was when I saw it.

Walking across the street was a short, obese, retarded person complete with helmet. I think there was also a physical retardation here because it appeared to me that one of his legs was longer than the other. There was an everlasting string of drool from his bottom lip to the center of his shirt and the noises he made while walking were incredible. If someone told me to duplicate them, it would probably sound like a donkey fighting a hippo. Like I said it was incredible. He was also intolerably dirty, kind of like he was rolling around in car grease all day. As he strolled past parked cars he was making loud farting noises with his tongue and spitting all over the windows. Sometimes God just hands you one.

He kind of looked like this guy, except with a helmet on.

If any of my stories have been any indication as to my sadistic sense of humor, than you should obviously know that I started laughing so uncontrollably I couldnt walk anymore. So much in fact I had tears coming out of my eyes and was unable to breathe. I was actually gasping for breath in public out of the shear hilarity of what I was witnessing. The only thing that comes close to this is when my friend Bobby told me he saw a tard in an electric wheelchair fall into a missing piece of sidewalk down on sunset. The poor guys wheelchair fell over sideways and started kicking up rocks behind it because he was still holding his joystick forward.

Awesome.

Well to this girls unpleasant surprise she found out, only after twenty minutes mind you, that her date was a complete, unsympathetic asshole. How do I know this? Because thats exactly what she called me as she walked back to her car to go home. Not before of course she told me of her denomination of faith and that she had only heard about people like me, but never so much as imagined herself actually going on a date with one. Was she a little too uptight? Yeah, probably. I should actually have thanked that brave retarded gentleman for walking across the street the way he did. He saved me about $30 or so on a girl who wouldve inevitably pissed me off a day or two after dinner Im sure.

I laugh at retarded people because well, theyre funny. They really are, and I find solitude in the fact that I didnt make them retarded, their parents just had shitty genes. Or maybe they were taking drugs while pregnant or dropped at some point in their baby years of life. I dont know. All I do know is that it isnt my fault and retarded people are hilarious, hands down. I have friends who have a retarded brother or sister or something and we laugh at them all the time. They tell me, "What am I suppose to be serious all the time because theyre retarded and not laugh at the stupid shit my brother does on a daily basis? Fuck that, its funny. You shouldve saw when he peed on himself in the sandbox when we were kids and all the other kids jumped out of it screaming."

Now thats Dominic comedy on a grand scale. If you cant take it, youd probably be strongly advised to walk back to your vehicle and forget you ever met me. Adding your own derogatory discourse at that point, projected at me no less, is ultimately up to you.

Now if anyone can find me a midget who likes to get insanely intoxicated, I swear I’ll give you a finder’s fee and take him everywhere I go.